Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis