🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
