🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT