🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Oddly specific
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Become a minion. Get that bread.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]