Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

No, you’re not getting it your honor

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world