🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My wedding will be open casket.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out