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🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶![]()
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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