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🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get