Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.