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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
is there nothing we can trust anymore
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them