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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices