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Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
From a friend in the Nat鈥檒 lPark Service. They鈥檝e thought this through.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it鈥檚 really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
You know you鈥檙e an adult when you鈥檝e injured yourself sleeping
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
detective: he鈥檚 been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it鈥檚 where
Most people鈥檚 biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program鈥nd won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can鈥檛 make this shit up.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I鈥檒l do it after this level.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.