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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
The prophecy is fulfilled
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
look scared
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.