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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Lucky old June.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
me adding lol on a serious message
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…