馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁 oh sory about that we were just passing by
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I鈥檝e been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn鈥檛 yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don鈥檛 think he鈥檒l be making that mistake again.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
basketball鈥檚 all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
DOCTOR: Mrs.聽Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I鈥檓 going in myself.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
