Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

😼🖥️

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it