Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.