Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Social distancing in Australia:

🥴

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving