Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?