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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I think this should do it.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
me irl
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
girls literally only want one thing..
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident