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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
You learn something every day
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird