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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.