🐟✨ #re4
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Spider-cat: No One Home
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.