🐟✨ #re4
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Just a phase…
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!