🐟✨ #re4
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Hell yeah 👍
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
and now we wait
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???