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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.