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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan