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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.