You Might Also Like
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…