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In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
All set.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.