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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
grandpa was shocked
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.