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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
āif you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?ā
āschrodingerā
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDNāT do.
Day 1: definitely didnāt kill anyone today
Cāmon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks heās 10 feet tall and theyāre absolutely terrified of Christmas.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Kids today donāt know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
āRemember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?ā
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one Iām replacing.
If weāve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point youāve swam through my pee
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) iāve been to Stonehenge
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that Iād left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didnāt know existed
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: noā¦it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u donāt know her she goes to a different school
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row ā¦. Iām starting to think they really donāt like dinner.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I donāt need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not ācookingā. Making a salad is āassemblingā.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause weāre in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again Iām gonna set him on fire.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Just left a note on the exās car saying āI STILL LOVE YOUā hope it doesnāt go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he canāt even afford
A washer or a dryer