🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
You Might Also Like
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Terribly Tuesday.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE