🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids