🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
So that’s what we looked like?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.