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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 馃槈
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Waiter: I鈥檓 sorry sir, we don鈥檛 have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Just pushed my cat鈥檚 paperwork off his desk.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can鈥檛 breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD