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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
absolute chaos
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue