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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Look, we鈥檝e all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don鈥檛 pretend you haven鈥檛.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What鈥檚 his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don鈥檛 even know
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
media: how to watch tonight鈥檚 super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Well, this certainly took a turn
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I鈥檝e had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that鈥檚 your bellybutton