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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲