🐶😂
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.