🐶😂
You Might Also Like
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
😭😭
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot