🐶😂
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
reminder
