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Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog