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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!