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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.