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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
The Struggle
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.