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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
What about second breakfast?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
and now we wait
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test