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Become a parent, so you can be accused of āusing up all the internetā when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My son just called his mom an āinterrupting chickenā so Iām real keen to see how this plays out
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Ian: Itās done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My daughter is playing āyou canāt find me, Mommyāā¦ Iām playing āIām not trying, Suckaaaaā.
[sonās football game]
Other dad: which oneās yours?
Me: I canāt remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
Sheāll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Told my girlfriend I canāt get mad at her while sheās wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Iām just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
If your store sells carpet and tile and youāre not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder ā but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
her: Iām leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: youāre obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you wonāt get away with this
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20Ć25 oriental rug.
Edward norton: whatās your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Hey, thanks for having me overā¦ But, It smells like something died in here and Iām pretty sure it was the housekeeperā¦
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends ābooā? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
ācan you use it in a sentenceā
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasnāt asking
ME: if u were an english teacher youād know that u were
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
āYou are what you eatā I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them