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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he鈥檚 going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
For my morning walk, I鈥檓 not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can鈥檛 get my earbuds to work.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Sorry, can鈥檛. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake鈥鈥檒l bring cake
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan鈥檚 twin sister?
Haven鈥檛 seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Dad Hack: get your teen鈥檚 attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.