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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”