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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Livid.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
only 11 steps left
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Happy birthday to all the women
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible