You Might Also Like
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh鈥e too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The look of utter betrayal on my son鈥檚 face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
#CatsOnTwitter
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: Oh, I鈥檓 sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn鈥檛 prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU鈥橵E ALREADY HAD 8
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.