Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

Trains are just sideway elevators.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.