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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Close call…
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Yup.