👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Every time.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.