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flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
But I really needed water water water
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
house sitting!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Not messing around
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.