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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.