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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?