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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
🙅🏻
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.