Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My teenage children choosing violence

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster