👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You Might Also Like
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
happy friday
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.