Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé