Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.