👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
the zen of frog
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.