Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?