👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
OH. COME. ON.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.