👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️
You Might Also Like
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Watermelon Boss!
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.