👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.