👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.