👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Gemma Correll
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t