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[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.