You Might Also Like
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Brands during Pride
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.