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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
weird email i got today
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.