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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet