You Might Also Like
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
How times have changed.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.