👽
You Might Also Like
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m giving up ice.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
When someone says you are so lazy
