👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
You Might Also Like
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.