Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument