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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Realize this:
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.