You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
who wore it better?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed