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Are we there yet?…
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Never go to sleep after making me angry
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry