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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night