💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.