💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today