💀💀
You Might Also Like
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.