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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.