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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?