💀😭
You Might Also Like
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Another day, another…goddammit