馃拃馃槶
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It鈥檚 been 89 days since I last had sex
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
I like to think my wife鈥檚 friends stare at me because I鈥檓 hot but it鈥檚 probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you鈥檙e my people.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you