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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one