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Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
it must be school picture day
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss